


Queen and Country

by Meredydd



Series: Boredom Reigns [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-13 17:29:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2159079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meredydd/pseuds/Meredydd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The continuing adventures of Lizzie's diary... New positions offered to certain detectives, Sandringham is bloody cold at New Year's, and eggnog isn't just for Christmas anymore.  Oh, and crime.  Crime happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Game is On

**Author's Note:**

> As always, HUGE thanks to AtlinMerrick for her encouragement!
> 
> And thank you a million times over to everyone who has read, kudo'd, commented! Makes my lil' heart go pitter-patter.
> 
> Or maybe I need to cut back on the caffeine? 
> 
> This will be a two-parter so...kinda sorry not sorry for the cliffhanger...

_**December 30**_  
Eggnog. It's not just for Christmas.

 _ **Addendum**_  
Pip cannot handle his nog.  
I understand that happens to many men as they age.

 _ **December 31**_  
New Year's Eve and another attempt at blackmail.  
Oh, I like the sound of that... it makes my life seem like a true crime novel. Wouldn't that be exciting? It'd be like Law and Order but...not. Maybe Miss Marple. She wore rather smart twinsets and I'm sure she had dashing hats. Holme the Elder assures me that, despite Cheekbones' staunch avoidance of the actual ceremony conveying upon him the title of Her Majesty's Private Investigator (note to self: Look into name change for position—this one makes Pip bluster and Harry giggle. If Harry giggles about something, it's bound to be dirty), my Dynamic Duo will be on the case.  
Dynamic Duo. I like that. Her Majesty's Dynamic Duo...

 _ **Addendum**_  
Harry informs me that's the name of a pornographic film.

 _ **Addendum the Second**_  
Second note threatening to 'reveal deepest secrets of monarchy' has arrived. Let Us rephrase: The second note in this series. We are often recipients of such missives. Typically, Our secretaries open them. Harvest, however, is new.  
Harvest.

For the love of...  
Insist Holmes the Elder pushes through that baby naming law. Immediately.  
Harvest.

 _ **January 2**_  
Cheekbones and Shorty have arrived!  
They arrived yesterday, actually. But we may have been helping finish the eggnog and been a bit...indisposed.  
Harvest (seriously?) informs me that two of the upstairs chambermaids have requested reassignment after...something. She will not expand upon that but lucky for Us, I can go to the tape.  
Shorty has either been doing yoga or was extremely drunk. That's the only reasons I can think of which would allow him to bend in such a manner for Cheekbones to put his...well. There.  
Pip is going to the Tower if he recorded _Viscous Old Queens_ over the security footage.  
Not the tourist Tower... the secret one. Which I am having built immediately because that Greek bastard _did_ record over it! 

_**January 3**_  
Apparently, the journey to Norfolk was more taxing than One thought... Cheekbones and Shorty are ensconced in their quarters in the guest wing. No sight of them since their visit to the linen press in the upstairs corridor (Harvest... No, I shan't call her that. From this point on, she is Mary. All of the women are now Mary. The men are Stephen. There. Sensible names, all 'round! Mary-formerly-known-as-Harvest informs Us that the chambermaids rescinded their resignations after a word from Holmes the Elder. They also have new cars. I'm sure the two things are entirely unrelated.). They will be summoned to Our personal office soon, however, as new blackmail has arrived, this time with the some nasty little bit of someone's ear attached.  
At the risk of sounding un-regal... Ew.

 _ **Addendum**_  
Chambermaids fired.  
Harry grounded.

 _ **Addendum the Second**_  
Pip back in Our good graces. Tower construction on hold.  
He has informed Us of other security footage, which he has not seen (hmmm) but is in his possession thanks to a certain Mary in our employ.  
Things We Must Ask One Of The Grandchildren (or Possibly Margaret... she reads romance novels):  
1.) How can he _breathe_ whilst doing _that_?  
2.) Wouldn't that give him a sore throat?  
3.) Is it de rigeur for men to carry lube in their pockets these days? Or is Shorty a former Boy Guide, always prepared?  
4.) Is this 'rimming' fad here to stay? Cheekbones seems quite the tart for it... I must admit that the idea had never crossed my mind until recently. Damn my dodgy hip and Pip's trick knee.  
I shan't bring up my hip or his knee with Margaret. Or the grandchildren.

 

 _ **Addendum the Third**_  
Cheekbones says the bit of gristle isn't human ear but pig. How he can tell, I have no idea. Seems Shorty finds it rather arousing, judging by the growly noises he makes whilst Cheekbones does his deduction bit. I've long been of the opinion that a growly male companion is a fun male companion.

 

 _ **January 4**_  
Mary-formerly-known-as-Harvest has vanished.  
The game is on, says Cheekbones.  
Actually, he said “Oh God, John, Oh God, harder harder yes fuck me, you own me, I'm yours...” but first he said “the game is on” and went running from my study, Shorty in tow. The fun bits came (ha ha ha ha ha damn it, Harry... I blame Margaret's influence on my sense of humor and his) later, apparently once he deduced MfnaH is not merely missing, she's _very_ missing. Her entire background was a lie.  
Holmes the Elder has a megrim and is shotgunning candy canes like there's no tomorrow.  
Entire department within Our staff let go.  
Holmes the Elder is looking up vacations to Bora Bora and thinks I don't know.  
He _would_ look rather fetching in Bermuda shorts.  
Once Cheekbones and Shorty stop abusing Our linen press, We are to meet in Our personal study, with Holmes the Elder and several security personnel. It seems we've been harboring a viper to our bosom.  
Oh, I quite like that! It sounds very dramatic!

 _ **Addendum**_  
As Harry said, “Shit just got real.”  
Well, he said “shite” but I'm editing for content.  
It seems Pip has vanished.  
We are not amused.  
We are, actually, very...enraged.  
Cheekbones is, for once, not being sharp and rude.  
This, I think, worries me more than anything else.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Pip is found, a birthday surprise is revealed, and Mycroft eats Rennies by the pound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry this took so long to get posted! Computer problems, Real Life (tm), yada yada yada...
> 
> There's another entry due up this weekend--one plus side of not being able to post this one, I was able to get the next one written up...
> 
> (Oh, and Atlin! The Flock of Wingpeople will be in the next entry!)

**_January 5_**  
I've lived a very long time (and shall live a long time more) but until this morning, I was unaware that two gay men could be, ah, blocked by a self-professed lesbian.

  
 _ **Addendum**_  
Being awoken by Shorty bellowing about _that woman_ and Cheekbones shouting about how she was _the woman, not **that** woman_ is not how one wishes to start the day. Not unless one has strange proclivities involving shouty men and, from what I was able to glean from a very startled chambermaid (Mary Formerly Known as...oddly enough, Mary), naked army doctors who have _nothing_ to be ashamed of... Holmes the Elder sent word requesting Our presence, when it pleases Us, this morning. I can't say that it would please Us, but We will do it.

Pip's side of the bed is unslept in, and I couldn't sleep for lack of snoring.

I miss the git. I refuse to be worried. I have weathered worse than a husband gone walkies.  
Stiff upper lip, pip pip cheerio and all that rot...

 _ **Addendum the Second**_  
On the heels of a rather salacious rumor involving my _dear_ granddaughter-in-law and and a rather blurry picture that could be just about anyone with basic brown hair (did I use that right? Harry assures me 'basic' is the best word for such hair but I have decided he's often trying to get me in trouble), it seems Cheekbones has sniffed out our (Our? Meh, either way) blackmailer.

A dead woman.

Hm.

Apparently, just knowing Cheekbones gives a person amazing restorative abilities.

This can only mean one thing.

I am now immortal.

_There can be only one._

Pip still missing, however, and this...Adler woman...is on her way to one of Holmes the Elder's “meeting rooms” in Glasgow. Mary formerly known as Harvest still very dead.

Belated New Year's Resolution: Drink more.

 _ **January 6**_  
I have spent the past hour, staring at this page, uncertain where to begin...

The highlights: Pip has been found. Adler creature has been...addressed. Mary-formerly-known-as-Harvest still dead, but Cheekbones is, according to Shorty, 'on it'.

Cheekbones is actively sulking. Loudly. I heard a violin in the middle of the night and thought it was one of my dead ancestors or predecessors, come back to bother us all (usually, they just wander about and startle the staff) but it was Cheekbones. Shorty has hidden the violin (in the east wing music room, behind several much older, delicate, please don't touch them violins).

The details:

Adler creature felt Cheekbones needed a birthday present and arranged a bit of, in her words, 'harmless' blackmail. Cheekbones sulking because he didn't realize it was “the woman”. Shorty enraged because it was “that woman”. Holmes the Elder buying stock in Rennies.

Adler creature is “visiting” the Hebrides with her personal assistant. Holmes the Elder has sent along _his_ personal assistant...

I expect bloodshed.

This pleases me.

If I can't have my guillotine, at least I can have a bit of unspecified mayhem on a remote Scottish island.

It's worked for generations of royal families.

Pip...is an idiot. But he's my idiot. Don't tell anyone I said that or I _will_ get the guillotine out of storage. It's much classier than an axe, but that doesn't mean I like you.

My great-grandson found Pip. My genius great-grandson who will get as many ponies as he can ask for, from now till I die (so, basically, forever).  
Cheekbones is extra stroppy about this. He suggested Pip would be found in one of the outlying follies, citing something about hoof prints, a missing thoroughbred, and 'it's obvious he is still on the property! Just look at the shoes he's left behind!”

My darling great-grandson found his great-grandfather in an old, disused guardhouse. Pip's made himself a man-cave, and Georgie-Porgie can ferret out fairy cakes better than a hound on the scent.

Cheekbones has locked himself into the guest chambers and is refusing to emerge, despite the unsolved murder of Mary-formerly-known-as-Harvest.

Shorty is fuming.

He fumes rather attractively...

I can definitely see the attraction.

I mean, in addition to the apparent flexibility, the dirty mouth, said mouth's willingness to, ah, go places, and I'm no fool—I _know_ what that walk on a man means...

Now I must go and see to Pip. He spent the past several days eating naught but fairy cakes and drinking shop lemonade. Harry's offered to see to the man-cave... Holmes the Elder took a break from his Rennie chomping to step in and send one of his minions instead.

Harry is not best pleased.

 _ **January 7**_  
Belated realization: Cheekbones' birthday!

I cannot let the birthday of one of Our private dicks go uncelebrated!

I have been informed that having a party whilst the murder of MfkaH is unsolved is not appropriate... But I can plan, can't I?

Horse that was missing when Pip vanished has been returned... groom forgot to file proper paperwork with head groom re vet visit.

Entire stable staff now in retraining.

Holmes the Elder is down to one pack of Rennies.

Have arranged his own stash of petit fours for his guest room... he deserves a treat.

Shorty has hatched plan to chiv Cheekbones out of chambers. Not sure of details but Mary-formerly-known-as-ironically-Mary let slip that it involved chocolate, two bottles of wine, and some sort of plug... We were not aware the tub in their chambers was missing the plug (We are not typically aware of such things, so this is not a surprise). I didn't expect it to be made of Pyrex, however. I've never heard of such things...a glass plug? What on earth would you use one of those for?

Oh.

_OH!_

 

_The murder of Mary-formerly-known-as-Harvest will be addressed in the next 'diary entry', which is already written and just awaiting posting!_


End file.
